On Coming Out: Megan

 

Being queer is weird. And it can sometimes be difficult. I am a woman, self-identified as a human, socially-identified as queer. It's a lot of questions, from myself and from others.

It's a lot of waking up and realizing all over again how sexy my own gender is.

It's overcoming growing up in a conservative Christian culture that taught me to hate who I was.

And a lot of it is coming out of the closet over and over again.

When I was in 8th grade, I wore boys’ clothes and let my mom call it a phase and tried to believe her. Then I started dating boys, most of which were horrid to me. Still, I stopped wearing boys clothes and started trying to please society.

I didn't come out to myself until the very end of my senior year of high school. Today, I am a sophomore in college, and I still come out every day.

First I came out to the girl I liked. And then word spread that we had kissed. Someone outed me to my best friend and roommate, who told me she would help me through this phase and let me experiment. Then my other roommate. Then my sister. Then my ex-boyfriend. Then the stranger down the street who saw me in my button up and tie. Then my parents. That was hard.

People tend to think that coming out of the closet is one swoop of the arm, opening the door and closing it behind you, thankful that you never need to do that again.

But that isn't how it is. I wake up each day and a part of me still wonders if my mom is right and homosexuality is wrong. But I know the God that I believe in, and He does not hate me.

Then, all of a sudden, I fell for a boy. I really fell for a boy. Kissing him lit my soul on fire, and I was desperately confused all over again. Did this mean I wasn't gay?

I have arrived at a different understanding. We are all humans attracted to other humans. Or not. Maybe you’re asexual, and that’s okay, too.

I do believe that some people are extremely straight, and some people are extremely gay. But most of us? Most of us fall somewhere in between.

It's okay to be attracted to people of the opposite sex your whole life, and then suddenly fall for someone of your own sex. That doesn't make you into anything that you weren't already. You are the master of your own destiny, the writer of your own definitions. You're a person attracted to other people.

We choose labels to put ourselves into groups, and we put ourselves into groups to feel less alone. If a label isn’t helping you, if it’s pressuring and constricting and doesn’t fit, stop using it.

Me? I don't have a label. People ask me all the time, “What are you?” And I say, "I'm a human, and I have loved both a man and woman."

My mom always taught me that you should love someone's heart, not their body. And that's exactly what I’m doing.


Megan Hultquist is a theatre kid obsessed with dogs and in love with Boulder, CO—her hometown. Her hobbies include training seeing-eye dogs for the blind, watching Orange is the New Black, writing slam poetry, directing any piece of art she can get her hands on and eating. She is extremely passionate about the LGBT community, among other things, and is beyond thrilled to be a Bottle bitch. Her favorite drink will forever be apple juice.