18 Tinder bios that are actually just things Donald Trump has said

 
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In November, a minority of America swiped right on Donald J. Trump for the President of the United States, and yet here we are, stuck in a four-year-long relationship with him.

There’s the conventional wisdom surrounding online dating etiquette, but fuck it, there was also conventional wisdom about not letting an accused serial rapist and genuine cartoon villain leading the free world, and we threw that out the window.

Voting and dating are confusing in 2017, but if this shit worked for Trump it might as well work for us too, right? So I took a page out of Melania’s book and plagiarized some lines right out of the president’s mouth for a Tinder bio sure to win the hearts of every piece of trash on Tinder.

What His Bio Says vs. What His Bio Means

“I give ourselves a ten”
This isn’t real English but it won’t matter when we’re dancing horizontally ya get me?

“I need loyalty. I expect loyalty.”
Be my James Comey?

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
I’m very ugly.

"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”
I’m great at fingering, which I know, because that’s all I’ve ever done with another human being.

"You’re disgusting.”
I really need love.

“The point is, you can never be too greedy.”
I want to have a lot of sex but I’ve never seen another person naked.

“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”
I have one book at my house and it is Catcher In The Rye.

“I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”
I’m literally not fun at all in bed.

“Eventually we’re going to get something done and it’s going to be really, really good.”
I’m great at sex.

“The one thing I would say — and I say this to people — I never realized how big it was.”
You’re welcome.

“I am somebody with a lot of heart.”
There are no good pictures of me online.

“I thought it would be easier.”
If this is an app that’s literally meant for hooking people up, why hasn’t it hooked me up?

“I'd give us an A.”
My rating scale means nothing.

“I don't talk about it.”
Just here to get some fuccs in.

“It's pretty good, right?”
Validate me.

“I have a great relationship with all of them.”
This is a lie.

“It'll be a beautiful thing.”
Our relationship, baby.

“I’m both.”
Trump wasn’t technically talking about being bisexual, but it works.


Christianna is an adventurous, optimistic feminist who can hold her own in a few topics: politics, music, baking and books. At a party, you can find her consoling the hostess’s pets and sipping a gin and tonic.